cycles

Cycles Part I

Her:

I love this man.

He makes me feel

That he loves me. He makes me feel

The way no other man can.

He's a gentlemen, he loves his mother,

He's caring and shares his world with me.

He gives his all to everyone,

He's as attentive as can be.

But something is just not right

With all of this gold

I know there's another;

This is a fact I don't need to be told.

So into this perfect man's life

I began my own investigation.

What will I uncover?

Will it reveal me paranoid, or will I bring about my own devastation?

It will be more than I can probably bare

For I love this man so much,

To learn of any form of infidelity.

Is our love too strong for another woman to touch?

To gain any kind of clue

I begin to ask his family members

Questions that would shed some light

On his actions like that day in December.

I though it odd that he couldn't stay long

When he came to see me on Christmas day.

He said he was leaving to be with his family.

So how could I get mad: what was there to say?

I have to understand there are other people he loves.

After all, the man has a life.

I respect that.

But my suspicions became sharp as a knife

When just to hear his voice, to say I love you,

I called around.

I wanted to understand.

But he was nowhere to be found.

Eventually only the voice mail would pick up.

Before, he just let it ring.

Why did he turn his phone off?

Why would he do such a thing?

He had a convenient answer

When we spoke the next day.

But convenience was his downfall

As I doubted each word he would say.

I told him of my concern

And questioned him with my suspicions.

He excused them as paranoia.

Now I knew I had to make some decisions.

Do I lay my doubts to rest

And take him at his word?

But I can't overlook the things I've seen,

Nor the slip-ups I've heard.

Although she's a dear,

His mother - rest her soul,

Made a couple slips of the tongue

And raised the suspicion bar to its toll.

The first time I ignored the signal

When she called me by another woman's name.

But then she mentioned this same name in passing.

And this drove me deep into the game.

So to find out information

I ventured into the game in sneakier ways.

I began to screen his calls when I could.

Hell, I even broke into his voice mail on some days.

I couldn't help myself.

I knew I was taking a chance.

But I had to find out if there was someone else.

I had to gird my stance.

Then here came the break through I sought.

Finally my day came!

It unfolded itself in a sexy voice mail message.

I had to play it cool, though I felt like I was going in sane.

I had gotten her number.

So, I picked up the phone.

I was going to confront Ms. Thang.

Because my man was mine, and mine alone.

Me:

I don't have a lot of self-doubt.

I'm not a pessimist.

But I put nothing past any man.

No one is a perfectionist.

Were they only dreams?

I had several of them of another woman.

Or were they premonitions from God

Warning me of what was coming?

Was there someone else in the picture?

I asked him coolly to tell me the truth.

He vehemently denied it each time.

But then I got a call from her AKA Ms. Sleuth.

She simply left a cryptic message

The first time she called.

"We have someone in common" .

Was what she implied, that's all.

But to be certain I asked him about it.

I hoped it was just a mistake.

Was I about to walk into something?

Was I about to face certain heartache?

It didn't sound familiar was his plea.

He didn't recognize the voice on the voice mail.

So I disregarded it, but something wasnt right.

Something was different, you know how I could tell?

It's not that I didn't love him.

But my heart felt different; suddenly I didn't want him around.

I felt another presence.

And it irked me, so jealousy started to abound.

Two weeks later the phone rings.

I hear that voice again.

She asks me if I know him and how.

I think, "So now the games begin".

He appeared to be faithful;

I admit, he played the role and played it well.

He appeared to be a different breed of man.

If you could bottle him, I guarantee it would sell.

He was good at hiding behind false truths.

But he wasn"t good in playing the game as well as he thought.

He wasn"t good at all,

Cuz players don't get caught.

Because I offered him an open relationship,

I really didnt understand the deception

But he wanted to be the only man in my life:

To see another in the picture was a form of rejection.

For him it was okay.

But to know that between us existed another man

Is not something

His ego could stand.

What he desired

Was to have it all on his end.

But he forgot one rule in the process;

Do not tear what your ass is unable to mend.

He didn't lie this time

When I confronted him, though his words couldn't be trusted.

How could he lie?

He'd been cold busted!

She presented names of people we both knew.

See, when girlfriend came she came with facts.

Places I knew of

And dates that all seemed to match.

I allowed him to tell his story.

But, being the woman I am

I warned him to be truthful at this point,

For I am not one that you can scam.

Him:

I have to be honest, especially with myself.

I have yet to meet a woman

That makes me want her and her alone,

Closing me off to anyone else.

But no one won the cigar.

Though I've come close a couple of times.

I don't consider myself a doggish person.

I don't think I play with women's minds.

How did she expect me to respond?

When she questioned me about her, what could I do?

Just tell her that I'd been unfaithful?

There's a method to explaining the truth.

I know It's time that I come clean

But it's hard now that Im here.

I never meant to hurt anyone.

But I've done irreparable damage, I fear.

I lied and cheated on both of them.

Her heart is broken, She is hurt as well.

I did it because of my own insecurities.

There's no excuse, and I know they both wish me to hell.

I ask that she hears me out

But before she walks away for good.

There's no way to repair this damage.

God knows I wish I could.

I got caught up

Because I couldn't stand to lose

Either of them. So I lied to keep them both.

Now I stand before them both crying the blues.

She's telling me to pick!

What! One is giving me a choice how do you like that?

But the other one is not having it.

She's ready to throw in the hat.

But nothing about this is that simple.

What neither of these beautiful souls realize

Is I've bonded with them both,

And the fear of losing them caused me to tell lies.

But something is starting to click

At this very moment of full disclosure.

My heart is telling me something.

I need to listen, or be lost to deceit forever.

No one has held my attention for long.

I've never felt the need to be with just one.

But now she's walking away from me?

Good Lord, what have I done?

Why was I so blind to it before?

Why is it that at this moment I'm beginning to see?

Why didn't I realize

That she's the only woman I need?

The other woman is ready to fight for my love.

That's how I now see her in my eyes.

She's ready to put it on the line

For a man who can no longer disguise

What I never realized before.

And that is what's really and truly in my heart.

I am capable of loving only one woman.

But now may be too late; I should have done it from the start.

What can I do now?

I've made a complete mess of things.

The one I realize I love is walking away.

The other woman is by my side, holding on to the strings.

I've played this game long enough.

I've made enough mistakes.

I gotta do this the right way.

I've caused too many hearts to break.

She's changed my life completely.

My God, how do I ease the pain?

She's leaving me.

And I have only myself to blame.

The other woman is here

Because I don't want to be lonely.

My true love is walking away.

I've lost the true one and only.

Should I let the other woman go?

Should I just let this thing rest?

Should I hold on to her for comfort,

Even knowing that's not what's best?

I've hurt two good friends,

And now I don't know what to do.

All I know is this is crazy.

And now I'm in pain, too.

She believes in what we shared.

The other woman believes I can love her.

But I know what's in my heart now.

But I messed up, because the One may be gone forever.

But now I'm in another dilemma.

Alas, God is good and she's ready to talk.

But the other woman has latched on tighter.

How do I make her walk?

I have to let her go gently.

This is going to take skills, strategy and more.

I'll do this in my own time, my own way.

I've got to be better than before.

So I begin the cycle again

Never realizing that emotionally I need help.

I create a whole new web of lies

As the cycle begins to repeat itself.

Cycles Part 2

Her:

She don't know who she's messing with.

She must not be doing her job at home

Or else he wouldn't have come to me

All those times and left her alone.

There is obviously some good stuff here

Cause he kept coming back.

Now I've just got to find a way

To keep him coming, and not just for a snack

But for the whole damn meal.

Cause I'm worth that and more.

Why go to the mini mart

When I can give him the whole grocery store?

I got what he needs

And obviously what he wants.

I must mean something to him

Because when he's here he flaunts

His affection so openly.

He understands me " hell, he's mine!

I ain't givin' him up

And that's the bottom line.

I've met the man that knows me

Inside and out.

I'll fight for his love.

Isn't that what real love is about?

Standing up for yours

At all costs.

He's worth the risk.

But I know our love won't be a lost.

It's gotta be love, right?

Sistas, can you feel me?

The way he looks in my eyes,

He calls my name our love was meant to be.

She's just a barrier,

The devil trying to bring his due.

Ain't no heaven in her presence

But it will be in her future when I'm through.

Hey, cause I keeps it real

When it comes to my heart.

She has nothing to offer him.

I can give him everything I did it from the start.

What does she have to offer?

She needs to just let it be.

She must not have been on her game

Because he keeps comin' to me.

When it's all said and done

And day turns to night

He'll be with me forever.

It's obvious we're meant to be.right?

Me:

I don't have time for this.

Because none of it makes sense.

This woman wants to compete with me

Over a man. Is she really that dense?

Not to question her mentality

But what else can I do?

She's preparing for a battle royal.

To me, the matter is through.

Will I take him back?

That's for me to decide.

I'll give anyone their right to a mistake,

As long as behind excuses they don't try to hide.

Be upfront with your ways

And stop trying to play with a woman's wits.

The truth always comes out.

Silly Wabbit, tricks are for kids.

I won't placate him

Nor stroke his ego in order to please.

I have no room for dogs

Because dogs catch fleas.

Now he's calling me

Begging for another chance.

But he's got to let go of his issues

For me to give him another dance.

I see the issues as the problem

Not the other woman.

She's just a symptom,

And the lying is the omen.

If he doesn't address the root

He'll never be free.

He'll simply roam from bed to bed

But he'll never again roam to me.

Black women have enough to worry about

Without our men giving us more stress.

Raising the fam, AIDS, trying to make it

Only unity can be the key to our success.

If he took all the energy he put into

Lying, hiding and cheating,

And put it into creative actions for our people

Then on every social level we would be ripe for competing

In this doggie-dog world

That we live in, where it's winner take all.

United we stand

Divided we fall.

So I have no gripes with this sista.

I was fooled just like she.

Instead of working together

She wants to compete with me.

And what's the prize?

What's in it for us?

She wins, she gets him.

Gets what? A transfer to ride the bus?

Cause she already busted out his windows

To his brand new ride.

Her anger overtook her, I guess

And she threw away all her pride.

I'll never go there;

I've never had to, not then or now.

It ain't his fault either;

A man can only get away with what we allow.

Until he faces himself and cleans those demons

His closet will always be full.

And his generations will suffer from the madness

That he was unable to pull

Away from. It's all a matter of time.

I saw my chains from before and learned to break free.

I had to break the cycle of abuse

That haunted my mama, and was now coming for me.

She needs to recognize her links

And make adjustments as well.

Because it's obvious she's got cycles, too.

Just listen to her, and you can tell.

She auctions away her heart too easily

Like it's a piece of furniture on Ebay.

She feels nobody will want to buy it

So she simply gives it away.

Him:

Im trying to do the right thing.

Even though I have no idea what that might be.

I want my woman back

But she doesn't want me.

At least not the way I was.

She wants me new and improved.

Thats gonna take a lot of work.

This woman's got me singing the blues.

Why do I have to work so hard

To keep a relationship?

Take me as I am!

Hell, she's a trip!

The other woman is willing to take me

Mistakes, flaws and all.

She's willing to give it all up

And be at my beck and call.

But is that really enough?

I mean, is that all that matters?

Is it enough to have a woman

That simply flatters

Me and my ego?

Or do I need more?

Like someone who holds me accountable as a man.

Isn't that what I've searched my whole life for?

She told me to clean out my closet.

What the hell does that mean?

I keep my stuff neat and organized.

At least I thought I did, til I looked behind the scenes.

All that organization was just a front

Like a tall oak to hide behind.

The fact that I disrespect my Black women

With other Black women simply blows my mind.

Yes, I'm a gentleman.

My mama raised me that way.

I say "excuse me, ma'am"

And speak to people every day.

I treat women in my company

Like the queens I think they are.

But emotionally I cut them

And that cut leaves a scar.

The scar is visible when they scream, shout

And catch attitudes like no one else.

When they tell us they don"t need us

And put us down we brought it all on ourselves.

Conquering as much love as

Our bodies can stand

Is what our pride told us

Was being a man.

But loving our women

And respecting them mind, body and soul

Is what a man does.

That"s what makes us whole.

She takes my crap because she loves me

And understands human nature.

That should make me do better.

That should make me want to be more mature.

My daddy was a rollin" stone.

He rolled on my mama with all the pretty women he could find.

I hated him for that.

He always made my mama cry.

But my mama forgot to tell me

Not to do that; she was too caught up in her own pain.

Now Im repeating daddys cycles.

Now I"m caught up in his game.

My daddy always told me he loved my mama

And hated to make her cry.

But daddy never told me not to do it.

So now I do, and I know the reasons why.

This is no excuse

Cause I"m a grown man.

I was aware of my doings

I just want to understand

Why it"s so easy to do wrong

And so hard to do right.

It"s gonna be a hard battle

But I"m prepared to fight.

Because my sons and daughters

Will have to be told.

The cycles will have to be broken

Now, before I"m too old

To help them understand what it takes

To build a nation.

You can"t build it on lies.

Truth and honesty must be the foundation.

But what about her?

She"s holding on so tight.

I don"t wanna hurt her.

But she won"t see the light.

No, that's just another excuse.

All I've got to do is be honest and walk away.

I don't blame her for flattening my tires.

I caused this what can I say?

But when I walk, it's not for her.

Its for me, cause it's the right thing to do.

I gotta get my stuff in order.

I'll tell her how I feel, but this time I'll be true.

How will she take it?

She didn't take it the first time so well.

Will she cuss me out?

Hmp. Only time will tell.

But what about my love?

Will she take me back?

Wait, there I go again.

I can't do it for that.

I gotta do this for the right reason

No matter what the outcome.

Even if I'm left alone

After all is said and done.

So, I call the other woman

And prepare to make my speech.

What she did next

Will knock you off your feet.

Cycles The Conclusion

Her:

Lately I've been so depressed

Even though things obviously seem okay.

I guess it's my conscious eating at me.

What was I thinking that day?

I opened this can of worms

But I didn't expect this.

I guess what they say is true:

Be careful looking for trouble, you just might find it.

What did I expect to happen?

What were truly my motives behind calling her?

Did I want to be up front with a sista about me?

Or was I looking to break them up forever?

It doesn't matter now.

He and I seem to be okay.

But I dont see or talk to him as much

Even though I call him everyday.

'
But he assured me he understood

When I first called to apologize.

I told him I couldn't take it anymore,

All the deception and lies.

I asked him if he still wanted to be with her

And he told me emphatically no.

So I feel good that he chose me.

Now our love can officially grow.

Although I must admit to being a little confused.

To say he's completely mine, I'm a little hesitant.

He says he wants me

But since the confrontation, he seems so distant.

Not cold or anything like that.

He's just not his normal self.

He doesn't come around as much

And when he does, his mind is somewhere else.

But I'm content in knowing

That I won the prize.

Yea, he cheated and lied

But he's still a king in my eyes.

That girl had nothing to offer him

And I told her as much.

She may have had him first,

But when I came along, she could not touch

What I gave him.

Mind, body or soul.

I'm all he needs

To have, love and hold.

She had the nerves to tell me

That I'm the other woman.

Why? Because I came after her?

Surely she had to be lacking something.

I mean, what other reason would he have

To go outside their relationship?

He explained that she wasn't giving him what he wanted

And sometimes out of the blue she would start to trip.

I can believe that.

She does seem like she has an attitude.

When I tried to talk to her woman to woman

She started off nice, but then became rude.

But it doesn't matter now.

Oh, my phone is ringing.

Ooh, it's my boo!

Now my heavy heart is singing.

I am so glad we're still together.

I really thought he'd be angry for what I did.

I just wanted everything out in the open, you know?

How can our relationship grow if the truth is hid?

I pick up the phone

On the third ring by choice.

I don't want to seem too frantic.

I answer in a lazy, sexy voice.

Hello, handsome.

And how is it going today?

His voice sounds different.

Suddenly, I don't want to hear what he has to say.

You know how that feeling comes over you

When something's about to go wrong?

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

This feeling is too strong.

My mouth goes dry and

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.

I can sense the presence of heartache

And I'll do anything to avoid it.

Before he can speak

I jump on another topic.

I talk about sex.

That's his favorite subject.

I talk about our lovemaking

And the things I want to try.

That gets his attention.

Whew! I bought me some time.

But it's not holding

Because here it comes again.

His voice is serious.

Be still my heart. Dont worry, were gonna win.

He's on his way over

Because I told him I didn't want to talk on the phone.

I need time to prepare.

This is war, and here is where he belongs.

Me:

My mama didn't raise no fools

So I have to be true to her teachings.

I'll let no man punk me out.

And that's why I went seeking

For guidance and a total understanding.

I went to the only one who could handle these kinds of affairs.

I took my concerns, questions and fears

To the Man (or Woman) upstairs.

I prayed about this situation

Before I decided to give him another chance.

That woman finding me was no mistake.

Our encounter was not by happenstance.

We've been doing a lot of talking lately

Trying to sort things out.

Ironing out our issues and problems.

After all, that's what love is about.

My first and foremost concern was

How he felt about her.

Was he in love?

What was she there for?

His excuse was that she was convenient,

Someone with whom to pass the time.

She also did things I wouldn't do

And massaged his pride.

For he felt being a man

Entitled him to as many women as he could handle.

Like it was some unspoken rule

To burn both ends of the candle.

But I pointed out some points to him

That I hope he keeps registered in his mind.

This time he got lucky

But it would only be a matter of time

Before he ran into the wrong one.

This one seemed okay.

She didn't act like she was crazy.

But you never knew. She just might one day.

One day came soon enough

Because she's calling me on my phone.

Whats going on now?

How did she get the number to my home?

Getting my work number is easy.

She could have taken one of my cards.

But to get my home number?

Now, I would think thats kind of hard.

Im not listed in the book

And I'm sure as hell he didnt give it out.

Well, she's calling now.

Let's see what this is about.

Hello, I answer

Remaining as calm as I can.

She says, "I' calling to make sure

You aint still sleepin' with my man".

At first I start to chuckle

Cause I'm wondering what's up with this honey.

She continues with much attitude

"Oh, so you think this ish is funny?"

See, I'm a woman in all that I do.

From the way I look to the way I carry myself.

I don't allow myself to get pulled

Down by anyone else.

So I keep my cool

Even though I want to snap.

Nah, I need to nip this is the bud now

Before she ends up taking a dirt nap.

She tells me that he's her man

And that's never going to change.

She says they never broke up

And everything between them has remained the same.

She says he sees her everyday

And tells her all day how much he's in love.

She says they're getting married!

And no one can come between them, not even God above.

She says he's on his way to her now

So they can look at the calendar to make their plans

For their wedding day and honeymoon night.

She broke it down, so that I could understand

That he was hers

And hers alone.

I had to get this woman

Off the other end of my phone.

My head was starting to hurt

Because it didn't make much sense.

Why go back to her you know she has my number.

Was he the one that was dense?

I decide to call him

To see what was going on.

Then common sense hit me.

He could easily lie to me over the phone.

Since he left here about ten minutes before she called

I know he couldn't have gotten too far.

So I decided to see where he was headed.

I ran from the house and jumped in my car.

Him:

It was hard to leave her behind

Knowing where I was about to go.

But I've got to end this once and for all.

I love her, and I'll let the other woman know

That it's over. I can't do this anymore.

I want to settle down with the woman I love.

She's the one I want to be with.

We fit so well together, like a hand in a glove.

I didn't officially break it off with the other woman yet.

I didn't completely let it go like I should.

I called myself holding on for convenience

Because I thought my woman had left me for good.

But knowing I didn't love her

And didn't want her the way she wanted me

Was reason enough to end it.

I should have just let it be.

Now she thinks we're in love

And I didn't have the heart to hurt her again.

But holding on was hurting her, too.

There is no nice way for this to end.

I tried avoiding her

And didn't return her calls.

But she kept coming and calling.

I admit, I'm a coward without the balls

To just say it's over.

Don't come around.

I've made a mess of things.

I've let my woman and myself down.

But that's about to end tonight

Cause I' going to nip this mess in the bud.

I'm going to tell her it's over

Then I'll go home to my one and true love.

I pull up to her house

And ring the bell.

She opens the door in lingerie.

This is not going to go as well

As I thought.

She's starting to kiss me in the door.

I double my resolve.

Sex is not what I came here for.

I gently push her in the house.

I tell her we need to talk.

But she's more interested in sex

And starts to take her teddy off.

Standing before me naked

She gives a wicked smile.

But now I'm thinking with my big head.

Hmp. I haven't done that in a while.

I order her to put her clothes back on

And have a seat.

She begins to rub my manhood

And in a seductive voice she speaks.

I want to make love to you right here

In my living room.

I want to make you feel like you've never felt before.

I want to make you swoon.

She says all the things that used to turn me on.

But now its just irritating.

I'm here to end this peacefully.

I didn't want this to be humiliating.

I tell her that it's over

And she needs to move on.

But she's relentless in her seduction

And whispers to me "this is where you belong".

I see this is not going to be easy

So I push harder, and she sees my anger.

I hate doing it like this, but I have to be firm.

I never once got the sense of impending danger.

When she pulled on her teddy and smiled

I misread the message and thought she understood.

She said matter-of-factly "I'll be back"

And disappeared from the room.

Her:

That woman has brainwashed him.

He doesn't know of what he speaks.

He is my man.

Doesn't he know that we are meant to be?

I won't let her have him.

Let her take him from us? Never!

I touch my belly.

We'll all be together soon forever!

He has given me a gift

That no other man has been able to give.

He has planted a seed of eternity.

Without him, I cannot and will not live.

She doesn't love him like I do.

She can't and never will.

For I love this man so much

I'll do anything even kill.

I reach into my drawer

And pull out the proof that he needs to see.

I'll show him why we need to be together.

I'll show him why he can't ever leave me.

Me:

I am not a petty person

And don't get into senseless confrontations.

That's not what this is about.

I just want confirmation.

When that woman called and threatened me

In the comfort of my home

I knew it was time to bring this to an end.

But I didn't want to confront him over the phone.

She said he was on his way to her home

And they were planning their wedding.

I followed him to see

Just where he was heading.

He pulled up in front of a house

And I pulled up three cars behind.

The door opened

And at that moment I wished I were blind.

For what I saw

Broke my heart all over again.

And just when I thought things were going well

And our relationship could mend.

A woman pulls him into a kiss

And I presume it could only be her.

He didn't fight her off

And I think that's what really hurt.

An unknown force propels me

And I walk up to the door.

I stand there dumbfounded.

A part of me wants to run, the other part wants to even the score.

Then common sense kicks in

And Im brought to my right mind.

I turn to leave.

Then the clock stops I wish now it could rewind.

As I take the step to leave,

But before my foot hits the ground

I hear a loud shot from inside

And I quickly turn around.

Then I hear another shot

And my daze turns to panic.

I bang on the door

While at the same time I reach for my phone- now I'm frantic.

The sense of urgency sets in

And I know something has gone down.

The door suddenly opens

And he stands there briefly, then falls to the ground.

At my feet he lay,

And my heart pounds to see him there.

I'm suddenly aware of the faint wisp of breath on my toes

As he struggles for air.

I dial 911 and tell them to come

As I try to stop the blood.

I notice inside a body on the floor

And the red liquid draining from it like a flood.

My mind is racing and Im scared.

My heart is beating fast.

What has just happened?

The police and paramedics arrive at last.

He kept saying to me "I'm sorry.

"I came to break it off."

I thought his life was over when blood

Came from his mouth when he began to cough.

I knew she was gone

When they covered her with a sheet.

She died from a self-inflicted wound to the head.

Next to her lay a pregnancy test. The line was pink.

He was rushed to the hospital.

They asked if I was his wife.

I told them yes.

He needed blood to save his life.

They asked if I knew my type.

I told them yes.

It matched his.

There was no need to second-guess.

So to the room I went

And with the needle I was stuck.

The fluid drained from my arm.

The doctors all thought it was luck

That was keeping him alive.

I don't know what it was, but I do know this.

I hope he learned what God was trying to teach him

Because the lesson was so obvious.

Maybe he didn't intend to hurt anyone.

But people got hurt anyway.

Two lives and one in the balance

Is a hell of a price to pay

For a roll in the sack

Or even an emotional thrill.

Because some people have Graveyard love.

That's the kind of love that can kill.

MICHELLE DAVIS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2004